The Human Touch

There are many fish in the sea. There is no one and only Mr. or Mrs. Right and no perfect person, only real people, with real imperfections. Finding love means being open to many possibilities and making compromises.

You have to climb the mountain if you want to enjoy the view. Take reasonable risks and try new ideas. It is only a matter of time, patience and persistence before success comes.

Resist the temptation to reveal too much about your personal life too soon.

Avoid discussing with strangers about your real age, income, your ex-relationships, horrible dates, mishaps, legal problems, your psychiatrist. You never know how this information will be used.

Discuss the future, the possibility for friendship, tell him/her about the ideal qualities, relationship, family that you might be interested in the future. Listen carefully to his/her reaction.

Keep distance from other single friends who had bad relationships. They will tell you all if you will just listen, it is spread poison.

Don’t be picky - you will never find a perfect emotional, intellectual and physical match. You are facing hardship, disappointment. Instead, be selective: look for family values, integrity, compassion, commitment, intelligence, etc..

I once spoke to a group of high school student about the stresses produced by the social life of most teenagers, and suggested an experiment: a moratorium on coed partying and dating for a month. Their response was immediate: “No way, forget it!” and there was a lot of laughter.

When the class was over, some students spoke to me privately. Away from their peers they admitted, “I think it’s a good idea, and I’ll be willing to try it, but I don’t think anyone else is going to.”
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While chemistry and physical appearance often form the basis for initial attraction in relationships, determining if chemistry exists doesn’t necessarily require asking many questions. Yet many singles believe that if they have chemistry with their dating partner, then everything else is either not necessary to talk about or “will just fall into place.” Here’s an example —

Mike, age 26, met Paula, age 30, on an online dating website. Mike was smitten with Paula, a petite, slim, friendly blond, and Paula was impressed with Mike’s maturity and “decency.” Paula was pretty sure after their second date that she didn’t want to go out with Mike again, telling him she felt a lack in their connection. Mike convinced her to go out with him again nonetheless, claiming that since they had chemistry, their relationship had potential. Paula couldn’t find the words to dispute this, so she agreed to dinner.

It was during this 3rd date that Mike noticed how Paula became disinterested in him and eventually started reacting angrily towards him. Mike picked up on this and chose to build on their chemistry by touching and kissing Paula reassuringly. This did not help the situation, and after spending time in the bathroom avoiding him, Paula insisted Mike take her home.

Mike and I reviewed his dates with Paula, and together we determined that while he had wanted to get to know Paula better, he feared losing the excitement of their initial positive chemistry. He allowed chemistry to guide his decision-making process so much that he was unable to pick up on her other feelings (not feeling enough of a connection to warrant a third date; her angry feelings at the restaurant). The relationship disintegrated because neither Mike nor Paula had the skills to channel their experience of chemistry to talk with one another to see if they shared anything else warranting a future together.

Unfortunately, I have seen the fall-out of dating in this way many times. Without putting in a conscious effort to ask questions and gather information in the present, there’s little chance of creating a relationship with a future.

Many singles say they are averse to dating consciously because “it takes the magic out of things.” They don’t realize is that successful, committed relationships require much more than just chemistry and “magic.” Assuming compatibility based exclusively on chemistry and physical attraction is the antithesis of dating in a conscious way. Relationships that last are based on shared life goals, values, and priorities.

While it’s fairly easy to evaluate someone’s interests, ways of having fun, and how they like to spend time, etc., it’s much harder to evaluate values, priorities, and life goals and determine if you and your dating partner are on similar life paths.

That’s why asking these “tough” questions in the early dating stages creates a dynamic framework for exploring the potential for being together in the long run —

~ “Are you looking for a long-term, committed relationship? If so, then what’s your vision of that relationship?”

~”How important are family and children? Do you see yourself taking time away from pursuing a career to raise and spend time as a family?”

~ “Are you spiritually or religiously affiliated? If so, what religious practices or rituals to you participate in?”

Here’s an example of why it’s better to ask these tough questions sooner rather than later —

Dana and Ian met while employed at the same office. They enjoyed exploring restaurants and museums, and discovered shared interests in traveling and photography as well. Dana and Ian felt strong chemistry when they were together, and when Dana’s lease on her apartment was up 8 months into the relationship, they decided to get engaged and move in together.

Dana noticed how she and Ian got along well on a day-to-day basis, but argued about what Dana called “the big issues.” Ian frequently begged off socializing with Dana’s friends and colleagues, which was important to Dana since a big part of her job required entertaining clients. Ian also refused to participate in activities involving Dana’s family, which she valued and enjoyed, claiming that since he wasn’t close with and didn’t socialize with his own family, he shouldn’t have to participate with hers. When Dana raised the topic of children, Ian said he was hesitant to become a father since he didn’t feel his own father had been a good role model. He expressed his hope that Dana would find happiness and fulfillment in her life without needing to have children. Their wedding plans were frequently stalled.

Dana came to me to discuss making some decisions about her relationship. She expressed how surprised she was to learn how differently she and Ian valued family, children and socializing. When I asked her to share the outcome of their discussions about these issues prior to moving in together, Dana realized she had assumed that since she and Ian had such a strong initial chemistry and got along well, that they would be “on the same page on just about everything else.” One year later, she sadly realized that they were not.

Experiencing chemistry with someone can be wonderful, powerful and promising. But if you’re looking for a life partner relationship, don’t let chemistry be your guiding star. Instead, channel the chemistry you experience into asking the “tough” questions, to learn if your dating partner shares your values, priorities and life goals.

The information you gather will tell you if you’ll have more opportunities to make magic together in the future, something I don’t think you’d want to avoid.
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Question of the Week:

Here’s my problem with Judaism: The Torah says you have to love G-d with all your heart. That leaves no room to love people. Doesn’t the love of G-d lessen our love of humanity?

Answer:

I once knew a man who thought he was a great husband. His wife disagreed.

He did absolutely nothing for her. He never took her out, never bought her anything, never helped around the house, never did what she asked him to do.

Finally she confronted him about his complete lack of response to her wishes. He explained himself by saying: “I love you dearly, more than anything in the world. That’s why I don’t do anything for you. I’m so busy loving you I can’t possibly do anything else.”

Such a husband wouldn’t last too long. He says he loves her, but really he loves himself, and he loves the feeling he gets from having someone to love. If he indeed loved her, then he would seek to do what pleases her. He can’t claim to love her if he never does what she wants.

Nothing pleases G-d more than when His children love each other. So if your heart is full of love for G-d, then that love will translate into loving your fellow, for that is exactly what G-d wants from you.

On the other hand, if someone claims that they love G-d so much that they have no space for loving others, then this is a sure sign that their love of G-d is really just a form of self-indulgence. If you love Him so much, why are you not doing what He wants? The same Torah that tells you to love G-d tells you to love the stranger, to love your fellow as yourself, to help the needy and to care for the broken-hearted.

You can’t be a good husband in your heart, your love must lead to action. And you can’t love G-d without doing what He wants from you - starting with loving your neighbour.

…the mind/body/soul connection of relationships, dating, marriage and finding your mate… fasten your soul-belt as we embark on a voyage of self discovery… you will never look at handwriting the same way again…

The following couple has successfully been married for a lifetime. What makes this union so special and unique? It is true that Hashem (G-d) makes the match at the right time and for the right reason, but we also need to nurture and cherish that relationship so that it does not dissolve or become filled with strife. What we do, how we do it and why we do it are responses very much embedded in our subconscious. What we do with our G-d given gift, how we nurture our relationship and why we are motivated to act positively or negatively can be seen through our handwriting in a simple, logical way. This article, by providing a glimpse of Productive Love can help us better understand our own psyche and perhaps aid us in establishing a better harmony with our spouse, mate, and date or loved one.
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Much has been said how pain and loss often serve as wake up calls, making us aware of deeper truths. How about joy and success – what do they tell us about the human condition? When you are riding high and celebrating success, do you feel arrogant and self-important? Posturing as if you deserve all your blessings and taking them for granted? Or do they make you humble and gracious?

One of the ultimate barometers of life’s destiny is measured gauged by the way we behave in times of plenty. But the challenge is great: The complacency and false sense of confidence bred by success can be our worst enemy.

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One of the saddest and most dramatic episodes in history is recounted in this week’s Torah portion: The building of the Golden Calf.

While Moses was communing with G-d on Mt. Sinai, the people below became restless and demanded “make us a god to lead us.” They brought their gold and it was molded into the cast of a golden calf – an idol – which they in turn began to worship.

A tragic moment indeed. At the most momentous event in history, when the greatest mandate of civilization was given to the human race, under the very shadow of Sinai, a nation of priests were indulging themselves, eating, drinking, prostrating themselves and taking pleasure before a… god made of gold.

Volumes have been written about this travesty. How was it possible that a highly evolved nation – a “knowledgeable generation” who personally witnessed and experienced the greatest revelations ever to take place, a people who had but 39 days earlier heard the Divine commandment “thou shalt not have other gods” – should so blatantly betray G-d?!

This paradox of extremes contains a profound personal and psychological message, as relevant today as it was then.

The Talmud offers us a truism (Sukkah 52a): The greater the person the greater his Yetzer Hara (evil inclination). The more powerful the experience, the more powerful the challenge. The same is true collectively: When a great nation experienced the unprecedented Sinai revelation, the forces of resistance arose in direct proportion to the magnitude of the moment.

The stakes were high: Sinai transformed existence. Until that point in time matter and spirit were two distinct entities, with an impenetrable schism dividing them. At Sinai heaven wedded earth for, and it enabled us to fuse matter and energy forever after.

Indeed, the Talmud explains that Sinai “ceased the toxicity” which entered human consciousness after the eating of the Tree of Knowledge (Shabbos 146a). Before Adam and Eve ate from the tree, their beings and psyches seamlessly flowed from their spirits. No dichotomy existed between who they were and what they did. Like an innocent child, they were not self-conscious, because their self was not divorced from their souls. When they ate from the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil, consciousness and self-consciousness was born. And with it entered the serpent’s “venom” – human reality became polluted with toxic self interest, which would devolve into the narcissistic s ource of all injustice and corruption. At Sinai, however, the spiritual smog lifted as the air was cleared.

But with every powerful experience comes an equally powerful resistance. Instead of humbly appreciating the moment, the people became self-satisfied and overconfident and proceeded to worship the Golden Calf, which allowed the toxicity to return (Zohar I 52b), replaying the first sin of eating from the Tree of Knowledge.

Each of us in our lives will be faced with similar challenges:

Sinai characterizes the special moments in our lives. The Golden Calf epitomizes self-worship – and the worship of man-made objects – instead of the awe and humility in face of the Divine. If Sinai represents our purity and innocence, the golden idol is the moment when we lose our innocence.

At times we will experience a “Sinai” moment of truth. Simultaneously, we must be wary that the dark forces within our psyches will come beckoning. Sometimes they will manifest in a voice of cynicism or skepticism, sometimes in a voice of arrogance or self-indulgence, at other times in a voice of cockiness and smugness.

All great moments bring great challenges. When we experience an epiphany, a moment of inspiration, a magical moment, always know that with it will come an equally powerful potent counter voice that will challenge you. Often when we are blessed with a special blessing, we take for granted our gift and let our guard down.

And that moment will be your ultimate moment of truth; it will demonstrate the type of person you truly are. The noblest moments in a person’s life can be seen either in times of great loss or in times of great joy.

When the Alter Rebbe, Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, was miraculously released from Czarist prison, after his enemies had turned him in, you would think that he had every right to feel proud and self-righteous. Yet, not only did he not gloat – which obviously was to be expected – he went on to write his classic letter, citing Jacob: “I have been humbled by all the goodness you have done for me.” After Jacob returned to meet his brother Esau, with all the great blessings that he had experienced with building a beautiful family despite all the challenges of living in a hostile environment, Jacob declared his humility: “I have been humbled by all the goodness you have done for me.”

This is the majesty of great people. It is never about them personally. Even when their Divine cause emerges victorious, they experience profound humility.

Witness a person at his high point – at the epitome of joy – and you will see what he or she is made of. Does your success bring arrogance or humility?

Each of us will have Sinai revelations in our lives, a pollution-free beautiful moment. It may be falling in love, the birth of a child, a child’s wedding, a major breakthrough. At that moment you will have respite from the toxins of self-interest. But it will not be easy. For every positive voice there will be an equal cool voice tempering any enthusiasm. At that point the voice of the Golden Calf will come calling, knocking at your door. Every sin, every transgression, every human mistake has an element of the Golden Calf within it (Rashi this week’s portion 32:34).

And then you will have a choice: Will your grand experience cause you to worship yourself or will it humble you?

Will you use your power to abort the toxins of self-worship and self-interest that feed the fragmentation of our lives and of the universe? Or will you introduce the power of unity and integration?

What you do at that moment will define your life.

The opening verses of this week’s Torah portion convey G-d’s instruction to Moses on how to count the Jewish people. When it is necessary to conduct a census, they are to be counted not in an ordinary manner, person by person. Rather, every member of the community should contribute a coin for charity, and then the coins should be counted.

What is the rational behind this instruction? Why the need to count the community in such a round-about fashion, rather than simply counting the people directly?

Two messages, we may suggest, are being conveyed here.

What Are You Worth?

First, the Torah is suggesting that you are counted not based on who you are but on what you give. Your genuine value and worth spring forth from the love and kindness you impart to an aching heart.

Sir Moses Montefiore, a 19th century Jewish international diplomat and philanthropist, was once asked how much he was worth. The wealthy man thought for a while and named a figure. The other replied, “That can’t be right. By my calculation you must be worth many times that amount.”

Moses Montefiore’s reply was this: “You didn’t ask me how much I own. You asked me how much I’m worth. So I calculated the amount I have given to charity this year and that is the figure I gave you. You see,” he said, “we are worth what we are willing to share with others.”

Evaluating a people

There seems to be a one more vital message presented here, one that would reverberate throughout our long and painful history.

To appreciate the value and greatness of a people, the Torah is suggesting, you must study not the number of its bodies, but the depth of its contributions. Numbers can be deceiving. Large groups of people have often barely left a trace. On the other hand, there were times when small groups, when committed heart and soul to their goals and missions, have left an enormous impact (positive or negative), totally disproportionate to their numbers.

To appreciate the significance of Jewish existence, the Bible is telling us, you must study not its numbers: Jews never constituted more than one percent of society. Rather, you must examine the impact this little monotheistic group has had on the world. Other nations, cultures and civilizations enjoyed far greater numbers, larger territories and mightier armies. But nobody has left an impression on the very fabric of civilization as the relatively few and hunted down descendants of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

As Thomas Cahill wrote in his national bestseller The Gifts of the Jews: How a Tribe of Desert Nomads Changed the Way Everyone Thinks and Feels:

“Most of our best words in fact – new, adventure, surprise; unique individual, person, vocation; time, history, future; freedom, progress, spirit; faith, hope and justice — are the gifts of the Jews… We can hardly get up in the morning or cross the street without being Jewish. We dream Jewish dreams and hope Jewish hopes.”

We have quoted in the past the words written by nineteenth-century American president, John Adams:

“I will insist that the Hebrews have done more to civilize man than any other nation. If I were an atheist, and believed in blind eternal fate, I should still believe that chance had ordered the Jews to be the most essential instrument for civilizing the nations. If I were an atheist to the other sect, who believed or pretended to believe that all is ordered by chance, I should believe that chance has ordered the Jews to preserve and propagate to all mankind the doctrine of a supreme, intelligent, wise, almighty sovereign of the universe, which I believe to be the great essential principle of all morality, and consequently of all civilization.”

And here are the words of the great Russian novelist, Leo Nikolaivitch Tolstoy:

“The Jew is that sacred being who has brought down from heaven the everlasting fire, and has illuminated with it the entire world. He is the religious source, spring and fountain out of which all the rest of the peoples have drawn their beliefs and their religions. The Jew is the emblem of eternity. He, who neither slaughter nor torture of thousands of years could destroy. He, who neither fire, nor sword, nor inquisition was able to wipe off the face of the earth. He, who was the first to produce the Oracles of G-d. He, who has been for so long the Guardian of Prophecy and has transmitted it to the rest of the world. Such a nation cannot be destroyed. The Jew is as everlasting as Eternity itself.”

And, lastly, a passage by contemporary historian Paul Johnson in his bestseller “History of the Jews:”

“All the great conceptual discoveries of the intellect seem obvious and inescapable once they have been revealed, but it requires a special genius to formulate them for the first time. The Jew has this gift. To them we owe the idea of equality before the law, both divine and human; of the sanctity of life and the dignity of the human person; of the individual conscience and so of personal redemption; of the collective conscience and so of social responsibility; of peace as an abstract ideal and love as the foundation of justice, and many other items which constitute the basic moral furniture of the human mind. Without the Jews, it might have been a much emptier place.”

So when G-d tells Moses to count the Jews, Moses might have said: “The numbers are really unimpressive.” To which G-d responds: “Zeh Yetnu.” Count not the bodies; count what they will give, what this people will contribute. Be proud of a people that will give the world the gift of hope, morality and redemption.

The Power to Love

Just as this is true concerning our national identity, it is true concerning every individual person. At times you may think to yourself, “I am worthless; I amount to nothing.”

Comes the Torah and says, that you on your own, cloistered in your vanity and egotism, may indeed amount to a small, futile creature, unworthy of counting (“If I am only for myself, what am I,” Hillel says in the Ethics of the Fathers). However, each of us has the power to contribute something to the world, to reach out to an individual in need. Each of us has the ability to touch a heart, to lift a spirit, to kindle a soul, to look a fellow human being in the eyes and say “I will be here for you.” You may be small indeed, but the love and light you can bring to another life through a simple gesture, a sincere “good morning,” or an act of goodness and kindness, cannot be counted enough. It can change the world, literally.

When you begin to give, new pathways are opened in your soul. You are freed from the psychological quagmire that often clots your self-perception. You begin to discover your inner value and dignity in ways unimaginable before.

A Time For Love
Life is a love story. In the beginning, there is just you. In order to love, you need to withdraw yourself from the center and create a space for an other. Love starts only when you do that-move your self out of the way to make room for another person in your life.

In other words, if you are self-centered, you are not ready for love. If you are self-centered, you can’t make enough space to nurture an other. And true love is not only creating that space within your life for an other, but giving him or her that space and respecting and maintaining that space. It is being a part of another life and removed from that life at the same time.
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Are you dating someone who’s moving much too fast into a relationship with you? Confused about how to slow the person down without losing him or her? In this article I will help you deal with your “Speedy Gonzales.” But first let’s make sure you actually are in a relationship with a person who’s moving much too fast.

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That’s it…I’m proclaiming my own series.

One could argue that I already inaugurated this series last week with the story about Lisa Loeb’s quest for a nice Jewish boy. But, due to a lifelong obsession with both archeology itself and Indiana Jones as the hotness of science personified–as well as my own single and searching status–I couldn’t pass up this story (thanks EV for sending the article from the NY Times).

Name: Josh Bernstein

Age: 34

Location:
Manhattan and a tiny town in Utah you’ve never heard of

Profession/Occupation:
President of a wilderness survival school/TV host, “Digging for Truth” (The History Channel)

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We all go through this at many points in our lives, “I am going through an identity crisis”, especially while dating.

As kids we thought we wanted to be Cat Woman, Barbie, a princess… you get the point. As we grew older, and date after date, part of us wanted to become a nun — no such thing where we come from, but at times it seemed appropriate anyway since many of us go through dry spells. NEVER GIVE UP, it only takes one!

All the while never giving up, of course we choose our career paths and then we think we are Athena, Goddess of all working women. As we quickly doubt ourselves and say “wishful thinking”, we run to the astrologer to see what the stars have in store for us, Love, Marriage, Kids, Careers??? Then question why did I just pay $100.00 for that!
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Of all the stories that I heard as child, from the Wise men of Chelm to tales of K’tan Tan, one of the stories I will always remember the most is the one about a family of little means who is visited one night by a homeless wanderer. The man asks for shelter and they take him in, feeding and bathing him before setting him up with a warm bed to spend the night. In the morning the stranger was gone, but the family was blessed for the rest of their lives because the stranger they had shown kindness too was in fact, an Angel. The lesson of this story is simple. Treat others as you would want to be treated and you too will be blessed.

So why would I bring up an old folktale? Well, it can mean the difference between success and failure on our Jewish dating sites. The biggest lesson to apply from this golden rule is to treat the singles who are reading your profile with the honesty that you would hope to receive from them.
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